ďIf writing did not exist, what terrible depressions we should suffer from.Ē Ė Sei Shonagon
Pen and Sword Calendar
Itís just after lunch. I barely ate a bite. My stomach is clenched. My mind is reeling. My heart is thudding. It feels like itís about to leap out of my throat.
What is happening to me????
Is this what depression feels like? If it is, it definitely feels terrible. I hope writing in my journal will help me.
- I am sick.
- I am insane.
- I am suffering from a rare, fatal disease.
- That baked lasagna really WAS last yearís leftovers.
- I donít know.
Iím so grateful for my journal. Iím SO glad I brought it to school today. Iím SO glad I can write in it, here in the back row of math class. Iím SO glad we have a substitute today and I donít have to pay attention.
Otherwise, how would I make sense of what I just saw?
He had his arms around Natalieís shoulder. And she acted as if it were the most ordinary thing in the world.
Take deep breaths. Count to twenty. Pinch hand. Check to see that Earth is still in orbit.
Status of Universe:
Universe seems normal. Itís me that isnít.
- Clock ticking.
- Blackboard half-erased.
- Chalk on floor.
- Teacher shuffling papers.
- Students pretending to study.
- He knows Natalie.
- Natalie knows him.
- She knows his name.
- He knows hers.
- They are friends.
- They areÖnever mind!
- Is Natalie interested in boys, even though she doesnít act like it?
- Would she have a boyfriend and not tell me?
- Why does it have to be HIM?
- Why do I care?
- Why am I upset?
- Can you know someone from looking in his eyes for a single moment?
- Why do I think he might understand me?
- Why do I want to look into his again?
- Is he thinking about me, too?
I hope that Sophia doesnít feel hurt that I ran out of the cafeteria without saying good-bye. Or without even finishing my sentence. One minute I was telling her that she was a good artist and ought to join the newspaper staff. The next minute I was gone.
When I see Sophia in art next period Iíll tell her that I had a stomachache.
Itís NOT a lie. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about Natalie and that boy.
Anyone would. Right?
If this is a terrible depression, I hope it ends soon.
A sudden thought: I wonder if Bethany knows who HE is. She is Natalieís best friend. Natalie would tell her if she had a boyfriend. And Bethany would tell me.